This is something that most people in the world of martial arts and combat don't focus on. But how to not get in a fight is a very important concept that everyone should grasp in order to survive in the real world. We emphasize so much on what to do during fights that we naturally just skip over how to avoid fights in general. Though being skilled in combat is exceptionally important, it isn't always the best option. For example if you are out having dinner with your spouse and children and someone starts something, you probably shouldn't throw a punch at them.
So what do you do, how do you handle situations like this without a fight? You have to know when a fight actually starts. A fight doesn't start when people square up with each other or when an attack his thrown. This is when a fight ends. When a fight starts is very specific to each unique situation, but what generally happens first is some exchange between two or more people. Whether it's a discussion about politics or fans rooting for a team. There is always some exchange and all of them have a potential to escalate into something more intense. This happens all the time in normal arguments, one person will suddenly get defensive and lash out at the other person, who then acts the same way. And this escalates until they realize it just isn't important anymore or a third party intervenes. But this isn't necessary.
Once you are aware that any situation has the potential to escalate to a fight you have the ability to diffuse that situation. The first step in diffusing a situation is to first control yourself and your emotions. This honestly just takes practice, there aren't any shortcuts you can take to emotionally distance yourself from topics or situations that encourage you to respond through emotions. Once you aren't emotionally attached to the argument you can think rationally and logically and have the clear mindedness you need to diffuse that situation. Things you can do to calm the other person down is use open body language, don't cross your arms and try to look tough and strong, instead keep your arms out and your hands open so the other person doesn't feel threatened. Don't use aggressive or sarcastic tones, doing this only instigates people and makes situations worse. Listen carefully to find the message the other person is trying to communicate and address it. If someone is yelling because you joked about something that they take seriously, the proper response is to apologize and say something like "You know what I'm sorry, I had no idea you felt so strongly about that." This is much better than getting defensive and yelling back at them without really understanding why in the first place.
People for the most part only start fights when they feel threatened. Whether a guy is checking out another guys girl friend or someone makes fun of you or a friend. Some one or some thing is always being threatened. All you have to do in order to diffuse a situation is make that person feel like that person or thing is no longer being threatened. You always want to make sure that the other person still has a sense of pride coming out of the situation. You can say things like "Hey I really don't want to fight you." This puts them in the drivers seat. They know how you stand and what happens next is up them. Most people will choose to not fight as long as there's a way out, and you can create that for them by saying that. Now, this is also useful against the people who have made up their minds and there's nothing you can say to change the fact that they want a fight. This lets them think that they are in control and they'll underestimate you. Unfortunately for them we don't say "I don't want to fight" because we are scared, trained martial artists say it because they don't want to hurt you.
So you have to be aware that a situation could escalate to something you don't want - this gives you the ability to emotionally distance yourself so you don't get wrapped up in what's going on and you can stay level headed. From here you can listen and cut through the emotion and get to the message and address is quickly and efficiently while using open body language and non-aggressive diction to steady their nerves. Doing this can dramatically reduce how many fights you get in and will also make daily conversation easier and more successful.
--Zach
